We all know what anger is, anger is a natural response to perceived threats, and we’ve all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you are at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

However, anger becomes a problem only when you don’t manage it in a healthy way.

There are three types of anger which help shape how we react in a situation that makes us angry. These are presented by “Your Life Counts” as: Passive Aggression, Open Aggression, and Assertive Anger. If you are angry, the best approach is Assertive Anger. Big words, but check out what each type really means.

• Passive Aggression: Many don’t like to admit that they are angry, because they don’t like confrontation – this is called passive aggression. This comes out in things like becoming silent when you are angry, sulking, procrastinating (putting stuff off you need to do), and pretending “everything is fine”. Passive aggression comes from a need to be in control. Want a hand with dealing with it? Read ahead about ‘assertive anger’.
• Open Aggression: On the other hand, many people have a tendency to lash out in anger and rage, becoming physically or verbally aggressive and can often times hurt themselves or others. This is called Open Aggression. This comes out in fighting, bullying, blackmailing, accusing, shouting, bickering, sarcasm and criticism. Open aggression comes from a need to be in control. Want a hand with dealing with open aggression? Read ahead about ‘assertive anger’. Sometimes the anger can be taken out on property or even on ourselves – see the section on self-harm.
• Assertive Anger: The healthy way to deal with anger is by being controlled and confident, talking and listening, and open to help in dealing with the situation. This Assertive anger can help relationships to grow. It means thinking before you speak, being confident in how you say it, yet open and flexible to the ‘other side’. It means being patient; not raising your voice; communicating how you are feeling emotionally, and really trying to understand what others are feeling. When you deal with anger assertively, you demonstrate that you are mature and care about your relationships and yourself.

Many things can trigger anger, including stress, family problems, and financial issues. For some people, anger is caused by an underlying disorder. Anger itself isn’t considered a disorder, but anger is a known symptom of several mental health conditions.

According to the well-respected Mayo Clinic there are many common triggers for anger, such as losing your patience, feeling as if your opinion or efforts aren’t appreciated, and injustice. Other causes of anger include memories of traumatic or enraging events and worrying about personal problems.

Remember, you cannot eliminate anger—and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about their approach to anger management.